Avoid Conflict?

"Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ..." Ephesians 4:15

Most clergy are pre-disposed to be people pleasers, and that is not bad, but it has a shadow side that can trouble relationships and congregations. The shadow side of people pleasing is conflict avoidance.

Conflict can brew around trivial and significant issues, from the color we choose for the carpet to moving a congregation to a new neighborhood. Almost all churches today have to grapple with moral issues like abortion, gun control, and LGBTQ rights in the church. Conflict is inevitable!

So, how do you know if you're conflict-avoidant? Here are a few signs: You

• deny there's an issue

• fear or avoid expressing yourself

• bottle up feelings — and later explode or become passive-aggressive

• make jokes during confrontations

• change the subject when conflict comes up

• strive to be seen as the nice one

• avoid disagreeing with others, even when you inwardly disagree

One pastor I know told his congregation, "no talk about politics in the church." He thought this would make the issues people care deeply about go away, and it did not. The divisions grew, and people started associating with like-minded members to talk about people who were different-minded. These conversations occurred in Bible studies, fellowship groups, and after meetings in the parking lot. The divisions grew until a minor issue around the use of the sanctuary split the church in half.

In another case, the church's governing board discussed ordaining gay and lesbian members to leadership ministries. The conversation was civil, but outside of board meetings, people were siding up. Board members from each side would come to the pastor to talk about their feelings. As they paraded through the pastor's office, each one would leave, thinking the pastor was on their side. Then, at one of the meetings, someone suggested that the pastor was on their side. The pastor became the issue around which the church was split. She resigned a month later, and they didn't discuss the issue again.

Conflict avoidance can lead to a breakdown of communication and impact healthy connections. When we avoid expressing our feelings, we ultimately create emotional distance from our ministry partners.

Similarly, conflict avoidance doesn't stop friction from resurfacing around other issues that are unrelated to the topic avoided. Conflict avoidance can lead to emotional exhaustion.

And lastly, when you avoid conflict at all costs, it can make it harder to create and maintain boundaries. That is why it often leads to self-doubt, questioning self-worth, and emotional breakdown.

Conflict is natural, but if it is avoided, it doesn't go away; it only grows deeper. Is it possible to be a people pleaser and engage in conflict? In the following two blogs, I will talk about some conflict engagement skills that can help you deepen relationships and help you gain the respect of leaders and staff with whom you work.