Conflict Engagement Skills: Part 1

“In your anger, do not sin” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry… Ephesians 4:26

This is the second in the series on Conflict Engagement. You might want to start with the previous blog on Conflict Avoidance. This is the second post of four in the series.

Strategy 1: Value Conflict instead of Fearing it

1. "Reframe how you are viewing conflict," Psychotherapist Babita Spinelli says; instead of seeing conflict as inevitably hurtful, consider how it can be productive. For example, conflict can be an opportunity to share your feelings and become closer to your partners, whether they are your staff, board members, or family. Vulnerability can improve emotional intimacy as it can help your partners understand you better. And it can help you feel valued, worthy, more accepted, and loved.

2. Conflict can help you identify and resolve problems. If you use conflict as a signal that there is a problem to be solved by the staff or board, you can work together to find a solution rather than letting the conflict divide you. Approach the conversation with respect for how others see the problem, identify how you see it and work together to find an agreeable solution. I don't want to make this sound like it is easy. Some problems are complicated, but no matter how hard the problem is to solve, you should work together rather than allow it to divide you further.

For example, suppose you need help scheduling meetings and programs when they don't interfere with each other. In that case, brainstorm what calendar strategies would work better to inform all members of your staff team and board so they could respect each other's programs and meetings when scheduling their own.

Or consider a difficult conversation about welcoming a different demographic into your congregation. People have all kinds of unstated reasons why they don't want children in worship, and there are many good reasons for children to be included in worship. Let's say the Worship Committee intends to propose to the board that pews should come out of the sanctuary to make room for a children's corner. There is an immediate and emotional response by others who say absolutely not. Do you table the discussion because you are uncomfortable with the intense feelings or redirect the conversation toward understanding the reasons for such strong reactions? Conflict avoiders will send the issue back to the committee, where it can die an unhealthy death. People will remain mad at each other, living to fight over another subject. Or you can reframe the conflict as a problem to be solved and engage the conversation, inviting people to explain themselves and brainstorming solutions.

Strategy 2: Embrace your Anxiety:

Worry can hold you back from engaging in conflict. What if I say what I think and I get fired, or less dramatically, people don't like me anymore? What if I say I disagree, and I get slammed with a whole list of things my staff or board doesn't like about me? What thoughts can make it difficult to face conflict?

Instead, you could acknowledge your anxiety, think through what you are telling yourself about someone's response, and rewrite the narrative. Let's say you want to remind the Personnel Committee that you don't answer work calls or emails on your day off. Instead of worrying that they will question your commitment to the congregation, you might remind yourself that the Personnel Committee is charged with helping you to maintain a good work/life balance. Then you could ask them to join you in educating the congregation. Of course, in some cases, the outcome you dread might happen, but you could create a plan to address it. For example, remind the Personnel Committee that it is their job to help you maintain a good work/life balance and encourage them to brainstorm how you might do that if you have to work on your day off.

One other strategy might be to build your response to anxiety slowly. Practice saying "no" or expressing your need in low-risk situations where you don't have a lot of pressure. For example, you might say no to a meeting a colleague asked you to attend. You might remind a co-worker that they forgot to get back to you on an important issue. Handling these more minor situations politely but firmly can help you build confidence.

Another strategy is to learn some anxiety-management techniques. You can use deep breathing to prepare you when you know you will engage in conflict. Just remind yourself to breathe and release the tension. Another good strategy is to pause before reacting. It is O.K. to express that you need a moment to process your feelings before responding.

Sometimes all you need is a pregnant pause to relax and regain composure. At other times it is acceptable to express that this caught you by surprise and you would like an hour or a day to consider the feedback before responding. That is totally legit. Suppose you live or work in a high-anxiety context. In that case, you might think about establishing a relationship with a therapist or coach who can help you process your fears, help you reframe your thoughts about conflict, build more constructive communication skills, practice verbalizing your feelings, and learn techniques to cope with anxiety establishing a non-anxious presence. For more strategies on managing anxiety, look for the next blog post.